Sex is supposed to be amazing, euphoric even with orgasms that range from the fireworks kind to the calm oh-my-gods. For some people, after sex, the world seems brighter and even more colourful and so on and so on…but I find (in conversations mostly on social media) that it’s a competition of sorts for some people, a thing of dread for some and for others, its almost perfunctory.
My question is, why would anybody want to have bad sex???? Why are women not having and enjoying as many orgasms as they should? To the best of my knowledge, lack of understanding, expectations and communication are the major reasons most people are missing out on mind-blowing sex and orgasms.
Some years back, I was texting this guy I really liked and he would tell me all the things he wanted to do to me and what not. I was not sexually active at the time and I really wanted to save myself for someone special. We hung out one time at his and he kissed me. Let me tell you now that I get better kisses from my dog. It was like kissing Marvel’s Venom. My upper lip to my lower jaw was wet…I don’t even know how. His tongue was everywhere. That normally would be a good thing but in this case it wasn’t. Then he wanted to put that same tongue in my mouth!!!!
I was getting groped painfully and he was stabbing at my mouth with his tongue and this was all just kissing. Imagine what making out would be like? All I wanted to do was flee..not run..flee and not look back. I could not even imagine sex with him and I didn’t know how to communicate what I had just experienced with him. He thought himself some kind of woman whisperer and I also didn’t want to hurt his feelings so I avoided him and never saw him again.
Okayyyyy so let’s get right to it…
Let us start at the beginning, biology! The first thing we need to understand is men and women are wired differently inside and we will be focusing on the pelvic neural pathways in men and women.
The male pelvic neural network is a very regular grid of neural pathways around the penis while the female pelvic neural pathway is more complex; this is because women have both sexual and reproductive parts such as the cervix and uterus that men don’t have. These extend throughout the pelvis; in the clit, the vaginal walls, at the top of the uterus, at the top of the bladder, in the cervix, along the perineum and anus.
“By looking at the pattern of the neural networks, you see that women are designed to receive pleasure, and experience triggers to orgasm, from skilful caressing and rhythmic pressure of all kinds over many parts of their bodies. The pornographic model of intercourse which is a quick, goal oriented stimulation of one or two areas of a woman’s body is NOT going to do it for many women.” – Naomi Wolf, Vagina
A few of the most common types of orgasms are clitoral, vaginal, anal, the combo(oh yeah!) and erogenous zones orgasms.
The clitoris is a small organ with a lot of nerve endings that peeks out from the tiptop of the vulva, is often covered by a hood, and extends down the inside of the labia. The best way to stimulate the clitoris is by gently rubbing with the fingers, palm, or tongue in a back and forth or circular motion.
Some men are so sweet and really try their hardest to eat girls out and end up trying too hard and hurting them. I had a roommate who was always in pain when she returned from bae’s. He absolutely loved eating her out. He would scratch at her clit repeatedly for minutes and the proceed to use his teeth to bite and scrape at her clit. Then he’d come up for air and ask all seductively, “you like that huh?” and she’d reply “yes yes” painfully. One day while she was spread eagled in the room with the fan on high, blowing her privates, I told her that she has to talk to him, for her own sake.
Not all vaginas can get wet on their own so lube can be a lot of help and please remember to stop if the clit is getting sensitive. Some women’s clits get super sensitive after orgasms like the way the tips of some men’s penises do.. Please pay attention to your partner’s needs and let your partner know what hurts and when…
Now to vaginal orgasms… Lots of men say or assume this is the best way to make women orgasm. smh.. It’s the easiest for penises and most difficult for a lot of women actually. Some men do the perfunctory “squeeze left boob, twist right boob, flick tongue at both nipples, kiss-my-way-down-her-body, swipe tongue at vagina once or twice and stick penis in, then thrust repeatedly over and over till they cum” then ask “did you cum babe or was that good for you?” Of course it wasn’t!!!!!!
Spice things up and try a toy or your fingers instead. Raise your index and middle finger and beckon an imaginary person…
See that? Try that motion slowly angling towards the belly button (or to your partner’s preference) instead of the in-and-out thrusts like a woodpecker. Hitting the G-spot with strong pressure results in orgasms and squirting.
Rubbing the outside of the rectum as well as stimulating the inside of the anus with a finger can lead to anal orgasms. Thrusting into the vagina and stimulating the perineum or rectum leads to heightened sensations and makes some women come faster and longer. If you’re indulging in anal play, please, please, please use lube. Butts don’t naturally produce lubricant and the skin around the area is very prone to tears, which can lead to unwanted infection. Oooooooooor you can stimulate the perineum and anal opening with your tongue…eat the booty like groceries.
The most common way to make women squirt or orgasm is to combine clitoral and vaginal stimulation at the same time, either simultaneous or alternative rhythms — whatever feels best for you or your partner because the clit and G-spot are stimulated. The finger-tongue combo is undefeated forever and ever.
Erogenous zone orgasms are achieved exclusively through a lot of experimentation. You may be able to orgasm from kisses on your neck, teeth on your nipples, or fingers on the inside of your inner thighs. Explore your partner’s body and do not be afraid to bring in toys and light objects like feathers and tassels into the bedroom and remember the parts of you that you feel the most pleasure.
In all of this, communication is very important. So is consent!!! Tell your partner what you want, and how and when you want it. Guide your partner during sex. It’s also good to experiment and explore your own body by yourself with fingers and toys so you are better able to teach your partner how you want to be loved.
Your body is a wonderland!